The ball in my stomach
I’ve named him Ted
He’s with me every day
Sometimes he decides to travel
A persistent tingle through chest hands feet
To remind me he is here

At night he feels lonely
Wakes me to chat
But he’s here and I’m not alone
He reminds me not to fail
At work
At mama hood
At life
He reminds me I did fail
At love
At work
At mama hood

But he reminds me also I’m alive
Until his friend comes to join him
This friend has no name
He’s dark and dreary
And reminds me there is no hope
No point in getting up
No point in trying
He replays the message
You failed
You aren’t worth anything
Being here causes others pain

I listen for a bit
Truthfully a long bit
But then Ted taps on my stomach
Makes me too distracted to concentrate
Even on the pain and misery of his friend

And so the cycle starts again
Ted takes my sleep my energy and my will
His friend my soul my hope and my loves

How long can I go between these two?
I’m tired and spent
And do not know.




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